239.4 / -2.6 / 25.6I don't often talk about my mom. There are a number of reasons - the main one being it is painful. My mom had an incredible battle with mental illness. I still struggle with my brother's mental problems and I have to fight not to blame that on my mom too. Through no fault of her own she was simply not a nurturing person. I think that the survival skills she had to develop in her own childhood made her hard and defensive.
My mom did have some incredible attributes however. She was a voracious reader. She loved God. She worshiped the ground my dad walked on. She would literally fight hell for her three boys. While she had few close friends, she was loyal to them with a vengeance.
But with tomorrow being mothers day I wish I could see here again. She has been gone for nearly 10 years now. And to be honest - I'm not sure I would like to see her as she was. But I'd really like to see her as she is now. She is no longer in the pain of loneliness and mental anguish that she carried most of her life. She would no longer be worried about Mark. She would have cast aside the "stuff of life" that made her sometimes difficult. The corruptible has been replaced with incorruptible. She is now the full blown version of what her savior intended for her to be.
I have not said it in a very long time - so I want to say it here. I love you mom. You gave me life. You really had no greater joy than to see you kids following Jesus. You gave me the best you had. While I have felt many times that it was not enough. I have found that in God's economy it was.
I guess the truth is if I could see you again just the way you were, I really would probably jump at the chance. Even if it meant we would would disagree about something. I do love you. And I know you WILL have a great Mother's Day - because you are having yet another Mother's Day in heaven. One day we will celebrate it together before the throne.
OK - who hid the tissues?
2 comments:
Good post Dean. I think of my mother often and wonder if she had lived, what would have been different in my life. I know my life would have been more stable. I also know that I would not be the person I am today. This would probably be a good thing. Growing up without a mother has caused some emotional turmoil in my life. In many ways I am strong because of her death but I find some areas that are difficult and I still struggle for answers.
Jack
I sometimes miss my mother too. She died a little over twelve years ago now. Growing up she was my champion. She encouraged me when others wouldn’t and taught me to how to be an individual. But the last few years of her life were difficult. My father abandoned her after 25 years for a younger woman… and she never got over it. In the end she spiraled into depression and alcoholism and dabbled in witchcraft. She ended up dying of cancer. The last few weeks of her life were horrible, she recanted in her last few hours and gave her life back to Jesus… but I still wonder if I will see her again. I don’t often talk about her either and rarely think of her, the last few years of her life are not something to be remembered… but I will always be grateful that she gave me life and taught me how to live. I would not be who I am today without her.
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